Mini Rant.

I'm back at school. While I'm not ready to cry immediately, I'm definitely not overjoyed to be back on campus. The room is more "mine" since I've moved my posters and pictures around, but I still want to be back home.

I've tried to keep the door open as long as my suitemates keep the noise down.

Oh great, now that I've started thinking about being fine, I'm starting to tear up. It's definitely not as bad as it was last week, but the feeling of being completely alone is still lurking in the background.

Part of me just wants to curl up in bed and wait out the week until Sunday. I'm going with the school to see Lion King at PPAC. I've seen Lion King on Broadway, but it's one of those shows that never gets old. Then, I want to curl up again until Friday when I'm planning on going home again.

Once again, just like last week, my run was one of the only bright points of the day. Classes weren't bad, but I was tired. My Cultural Anthropology class was boring - mostly introduction to the class still. The only class that was remotely interesting was my State and Local Government class since we are actually covering material. Orchestra will be fine since I then have to concentrate on the music.

I'm praying that classes are cancelled on Wednesday due to another snow storm. I can't go to my meeting tonight because of orchestra, but I do have a meeting on Tuesday night.

Now, I have index cards posted around the room with words like "SMILE" and "BREATHE" to give myself some good mojo. I'm going to be okay, it's just that I hate that part of me still feels this way, that the urge to cry is still there after everything. I think I am going to go see one of the counselors on campus anyway. It was different seeing my home counselor since I had been at home for a night and had been back to my comfort zone. Maybe having someone on campus that I can talk to as soon as I feel like this will be better. Though I have tried doing something that my home counselor suggested: bringing my comfort with me. I brought a favorite book to classes today to read in the hall, I made granola and M&Ms as a snack, and wore a comfortable sweater. Let's hope I can continue to do this and be able to keep myself in one piece and not break down again.

Mantra.

My mantra of the week: I'm okay. I can do this. I am fine.


I talked to the family counselor and she was very nice and helpful. I was afraid that I would break down again after spending a weekend at home. And I almost did. As Mom said "Are you crying?" before I left, I did start to tear up. But I knew that it wasn't as bad as it was last weekend.

I'm sad to see Dad leave me because it feels weird and somehow not right to be back. But I am going to re-arrange the room like my counselor said I should and I brought one of my favorite posters (Beauty and the Beast) down as well as more hooks to hang things up in different areas.

The SAG Awards are on tonight and I have some homework to do so I should be able to distract myself long enough to realize that I'm fine down here.

But until that happens, I keep repeating "I'm fine. It's okay. This is simple. I can do this!"

Calm After The Storm.

Today, I've been good. Classes are interesting. The Crime and Delinquency class is huge, but really interesting. And I love, love, love the professor that teaches the Victorian Lit class plus a friend from another class is there too.

I went to the Counseling Center before class to try and get an appointment for this afternoon, but they didn't have anything available until Friday afternoon. Well, Mom is getting me an appointment with my brother's therapist for Saturday so it seemed a little pointless to make the appointment for Friday.

I'm eating better. The twenty-degree-warmer weather made it nicer to walk slowly back to the dorm after class. I even walked to classes without an umbrella, the snow hitting my face feeling refreshing instead of harsh.

I bought some dark chocolate with raspberries for a pick-me-up if I needed it. I found out that the Cardio Center at the gym is free for students so I'll be hitting that area up soon. Though there is a snow storm heading toward Rhode Island that may have us all snowed in, so I'm going to look for exercise videos to do in the room.

Final for Today.

Last meltdown for the day on the phone with Mom. She doesn't want to come pick me up before Friday which is partially what I want as well. She talked me through what I needed to do.

Tomorrow, I'm getting an appointment at the Counseling Center for after my two classes (Crime and Delinquency and Victorian Lit/Culture). I am also calling the Rec Center to see if their treadmill room is free for students. It'll be more enjoyable for me if I can run while warm than freezing - plus I'll be able to go further!

I am not to think further than 24 hours in advance. If I can't stand the room, I am to walk around either campus or the dorm. If I have to stay in my room, I am to watch TV. If that doesn't work, then listen to music. If that doesn't work, then just sit and breathe.

Right now, cried out and exhausted, I have a mug of Diet Hot Chocolate and a box of granola and M&Ms. I'm waiting for Castle to come on. Then I'm going to bed. I must say that I feel better having really cried my body out of tears and sobbed out what I was feeling. I was frustrated that I didn't feel like doing anything, angry with myself that I was hardly eating, and only felt a ray of hope during my crazy morning run. Though I did post a blog about the run on WW and people were commenting about how I, ME, had inspired them for the day. There was even one woman from Florida that said now she was going to suck it up for the 50 degree weather they had been having. It felt amazing and lifted me up from my shame-spiral.

Mom compared this whole experience to rolling down a hill. Things like my run and the other WW are walls that slow down my rolling. Those walls are to be beacons of hope and faith for me until Friday.

Saturday I'm getting an appointment with my brother's psychiatrist just in case. She's really nice and I've talked to her before. I hope that if my appointment tomorrow doesn't help, she will.

How Many Days Until Friday?

I've come to the decision that I must be depressed. I desperately want to take a leave of absence from college but part of me knows that I want to be here. But the larger part that has hold of me right now says that I just want to crawl under the covers and sleep the week away.

I'm barely holding it together. I want to cry. I'm now even praying that my parents don't call because I know that I won't be able to hold it together.

I'm ready to get a full time job at home and take the semester off. I'm already ahead in my studies so it isn't out of the question, but part of me feels like I'd be a quitter. God, I hate this feeling and this week!!

I wanted to lower Melissa's bed so I could use it as a couch type thing but I can't even bring myself to try and lower it since I already know I'm going to fail. I want to go for a walk, but it's literally below freezing outside and no matter how much I want to go clear my head, I can't see it being helpful when I'm shivering so badly I can hear my bones shake. Not even the long awaited Castle episode tonight is cheering me up. I thought the comments from WW saying that I inspired people when I blogged about my morning run didn't pull me out of this shame-spiral.

My throat hurts from forcing tears back. I'm stressed and I've only had one day of classes. I can't bring myself to try and spread my posters and pictures around the room since I've gotten comfortable with MY side of the room.

I JUST WANT MY ROOM AT HOME BACK. I WANT MY LIFE AT HOME BACK! For someone who loves school and everything that comes with it, I just can't bring myself to really care this week.

And I thought writing all of this out would make me feel better, stronger even, but it really hasn't. I apologize for all the melancholy postings lately, but this is the first time I've felt this way.


I am going to go home on Friday. It's out of the question to stay here. I just can't. I need to break down at home with Mom there. I want to have a chance to explain my feelings and hope that someone can make sense of what I'm feeling.

Superwoman.

At least for the morning. This afternoon has been a completely different story.

I went for a 20 minute run in temperatures that ranged from ten to seven degrees below zero. I had set my alarm clock for 6am. I pulled on my running shoes, UnderArmour pants, a 5K race shirt, and an oversized sweatshirt. I didn't have a hat or gloves, so I pulled the hood up, cinched it tight, and used fuzzy pink socks as mittens.

It was freezing. My thighs were numb, my throat hurt, and my nose was running as fast as I was. I did find a pile of pennies on the ground and picked them up, knowing I could use all the luck I could get. The warm shower felt amazing after, but what felt even better was knowing that I had finished my exercise before the sun even rose!!

Downhill from there. I dragged myself through classes, the only high points being my Cultural Anthropology and International Politics classes where the teachers are hilarious. Since then, I've been down again. I have tried to make some more jewelry, but I just can't. I keep flashing back to when I would be sitting on my couch at home making the same pieces and I can't help but feeling happier there. I want to go back to home, where I can treadmill in the warm house, where I can go to Curves three times a week, where I can make my jewelry in peace, and where I don't have to face an empty dorm room every time I open the door.

I'm barely holding it together here. I am going to beg and cry to go home this weekend.

Meltdown!

Mom called before she got to work. I was fine, a little sniffly, but fine until she asked "You okay?" And I broke down again. I KNOW I'm going to be fine, but the transition is not the easiest part for me.

I have my Positivity bracelet on, hoping that it will infuse me with hope and enough faith to get me through this week. It's cowardly, but I already want to go home this weekend. I know Mom probably will try to make me tough it out. We'll see how this plays out.

And to further my frustration, I went to change into my pajamas, taking off my white camisole and found a bunch of blood stains on the back. I wear that white camisole everywhere and the only positive thing I can think of is that at least it is on the back so that no one will see it.

I'm making an early night of it. I'm exhausted from crying all day and unpacking. I am determined to go for a run tomorrow morning unless the temperature is ridiculously low. Running always helps me clear my head and as Elle Woods says, "Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy." Let's hope the principle stands in really life...

Not Easy.

So, I had a meltdown as I tried to say goodbye to my mom. While it felt good to let it all out, I still feel like I'm making the wrong decision. Mom says that after a few weeks, I would be begging to go back to school and I know that, but I just can't bring myself to care about classes right now. I was comfortable at home. I had a routine.

And this just throws it all off.

I hate change.

I've NEVER been this sad to leave for school. EVER! Normally, I'm the one counting the days down until I can get back to campus.

I thought that if I went to bed early, I could sleep this feeling off. No such luck. I woke up this morning and the thought of going back is starting to make me so sad that I could cry.

I am praying and begging that my final run on the treadmill for the week will lift my spirits, but somehow I don't see that working.

I tried to joke with my parents, saying that I'd rather stay here when they asked what time I want to leave for Rhode Island. Mom seemed to see what I was getting at since she responded with the fact that I' would be so unhappy sitting at home without school to keep me busy and occupied.

This is getting just plain ridiculous. I don't know if I'm going to be able to say goodbye to everyone without breaking down into tears.

Back to School? {and a brighter note...}

This is the first time in my one and a half years of college that I haven't felt any strong urge to pack and go back to campus. I'm sluggishly sorting my jewelry and clothes but I don't feel any excitement to go start new classes. Yes, there are classes that I want to take, but I just don't feel like starting them on Monday.

It's the strangest feeling ever.

I'm going back to a room to myself and a television that gets all of my favorite channels and even that isn't cheering me up.

I've been very happy this Winter Break. I've sat and made jewelry, gone running at least four times a week, gone to the gym at least three times a week, made cupcakes and brownie bars, and been able to cuddle with my Boy Cat whenever the urge hit me. I think this is part of my sluggishness, which is ridiculous when the rational part of my brain thinks of it.

Rationally, I know I can still make jewelry at school. I can still go running four times a week (though part of this might be that I have a treadmill inside at home where I can stay warm while running). But I still don't really want to go back right now. Eventually, yes. But not tomorrow.

After spending a month in my house, just thinking of my dorm room makes me feel a little claustrophobic.


In other news, the family trip to Walt Disney World for Christmas 2011 is set! We called this morning to put in our reservation and the days were open. Only 334 days until I step foot in the place my heart truly calls my second home.

Internship #2?

I just got pretty excited.

I had given up on an internship at the New York District Attorney's Office when the website said that only law students could intern there. Checking the website tonight, I found out that they do have semester and summer internships available to college students!

And since I've figured out the rest of my college career and have a completely free semester, I may be able to spend the spring semester of my junior year or the fall semester of my senior year interning at the District Attorney's Office!

Hopefully I'll get my summer internship in Washington, D.C. and this one and I'll be golden!

Stress.

Okay, I understand that my mood during the first few days of my period tend toward bitchy and rude. I snap at people, I speak back to parents, and generally stew in a bad mood. But let's be honest: I've been doing this twelve times a year for almost six years. According to my English-major-math, that means at least seventy two times.

Should we have not expected Logan to be a Supreme Bitch Goddess for two or three days around the middle of the month? This means that we should adapt to allow me to reign as Supreme Bitch Goddess for those two to three days and accept my behavior. There is honestly not much I can do about it.

And this ultimately leads to emotional eating as even I become disgusted with my own behavior. Just today, I ate an English muffin with peanut butter and added chocolate chips in the hopes of curbing the chocolate cravings that always accompany my period. Nothing. So for lunch, I tried for a chicken wrap. Okay, but dessert ended up being chocolate creme pie with more chocolate chips added. Not two hours later I was eating an M&M cookie with peanut butter. Fridays are pizza nights, so I tried to be good with a salad before my single slice of pepperoni. No dessert yet, but the night is early yet.

I am pretty much desperate to get out of the house but knowing I can't since the only car left has piss-poor breaks and there's no way I'm driving that out. I asked Mom to bring me to work (she works nights at the operating room) and she jokingly said I could come. So I'm stuck at home as I beg that I manage to stay sane enough to not go on a killing rampage or lock myself in a room with the bag of chocolate chips and munch away.

At the moment, I'm blasting (quite literally) my Broadway showtunes playlist on iTunes which is helping to slowly raise my mood and thoroughly annoy the rest of the family, all of whom despise showtunes.

Hate.

I use the word "hate" often, but I almost never mean it. This time, I do.

I honestly hate my brother's ex-girlfriend. She may biologically be eighteen years old, but she certainly acts like she is four. They broke up about three weeks into the fall college semester over the phone. Not a week later, she had gotten a new boyfriend while my brother became depressed and has been dismissed from college for horrible grades.

Yesterday, my brother wrote to her on Facebook that he was un-friending her since it was the best thing for him to do at the moment. My mother claims that the message was gentle and understanding. The response from the bitch was anything but. She mocked him for failing out of school, called him names, and was incredibly rude.

I have long un-friended her but right now, I wish I could get the guts to friend her again just to write exactly what is on my mind on her Facebook Wall.

What really irks me is that we practically made her one of our family members. We fed her all summer, we took her to Disney World in February, we bought her a phone and a laptop, and we got her into the college of her choice. We treated her better than her own family. And it just feels like she has taken all of that and shoved it down the toilet. And it pisses me off.