How Many Days Until Friday?

I've come to the decision that I must be depressed. I desperately want to take a leave of absence from college but part of me knows that I want to be here. But the larger part that has hold of me right now says that I just want to crawl under the covers and sleep the week away.

I'm barely holding it together. I want to cry. I'm now even praying that my parents don't call because I know that I won't be able to hold it together.

I'm ready to get a full time job at home and take the semester off. I'm already ahead in my studies so it isn't out of the question, but part of me feels like I'd be a quitter. God, I hate this feeling and this week!!

I wanted to lower Melissa's bed so I could use it as a couch type thing but I can't even bring myself to try and lower it since I already know I'm going to fail. I want to go for a walk, but it's literally below freezing outside and no matter how much I want to go clear my head, I can't see it being helpful when I'm shivering so badly I can hear my bones shake. Not even the long awaited Castle episode tonight is cheering me up. I thought the comments from WW saying that I inspired people when I blogged about my morning run didn't pull me out of this shame-spiral.

My throat hurts from forcing tears back. I'm stressed and I've only had one day of classes. I can't bring myself to try and spread my posters and pictures around the room since I've gotten comfortable with MY side of the room.

I JUST WANT MY ROOM AT HOME BACK. I WANT MY LIFE AT HOME BACK! For someone who loves school and everything that comes with it, I just can't bring myself to really care this week.

And I thought writing all of this out would make me feel better, stronger even, but it really hasn't. I apologize for all the melancholy postings lately, but this is the first time I've felt this way.


I am going to go home on Friday. It's out of the question to stay here. I just can't. I need to break down at home with Mom there. I want to have a chance to explain my feelings and hope that someone can make sense of what I'm feeling.