Last meltdown for the day on the phone with Mom. She doesn't want to come pick me up before Friday which is partially what I want as well. She talked me through what I needed to do.
Tomorrow, I'm getting an appointment at the Counseling Center for after my two classes (Crime and Delinquency and Victorian Lit/Culture). I am also calling the Rec Center to see if their treadmill room is free for students. It'll be more enjoyable for me if I can run while warm than freezing - plus I'll be able to go further!
I am not to think further than 24 hours in advance. If I can't stand the room, I am to walk around either campus or the dorm. If I have to stay in my room, I am to watch TV. If that doesn't work, then listen to music. If that doesn't work, then just sit and breathe.
Right now, cried out and exhausted, I have a mug of Diet Hot Chocolate and a box of granola and M&Ms. I'm waiting for Castle to come on. Then I'm going to bed. I must say that I feel better having really cried my body out of tears and sobbed out what I was feeling. I was frustrated that I didn't feel like doing anything, angry with myself that I was hardly eating, and only felt a ray of hope during my crazy morning run. Though I did post a blog about the run on WW and people were commenting about how I, ME, had inspired them for the day. There was even one woman from Florida that said now she was going to suck it up for the 50 degree weather they had been having. It felt amazing and lifted me up from my shame-spiral.
Mom compared this whole experience to rolling down a hill. Things like my run and the other WW are walls that slow down my rolling. Those walls are to be beacons of hope and faith for me until Friday.
Saturday I'm getting an appointment with my brother's psychiatrist just in case. She's really nice and I've talked to her before. I hope that if my appointment tomorrow doesn't help, she will.
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